Beyond Words
by KSpazzed
Summary: And every hello ends with a good-bye. SonnyxChad.
1. Part 1

**Author's Note: **Welcome to my three-or-so shot that was made entirely because of procrastination! Yay! Instead of doing my science homework, working on Perspective, or working on A Different Part to Play, this is what I'm doing. I have slight writer's block on Perspective that should clear out soon, and as for A Different Part to Play, I'm trying to think of a good title for the chapter. Yeah... anyway, this was very very VERY inspired by the episode "Simple Explanation" of House M.D. If that's not the correct episode title, sorry. I thought it was. D: Even the title of this was inspired by it... the preview to it. It said something like "Every season there is an episode that is beyond words. This is that episode." I kind of wanted to write a story like that. I hope you like it! :P Please review, it might make me update on all of my stories sooner. ;)

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Sonny With a Chance or House M.D., my inspiration. Nor do I own "Catch Me" by Demi Lovato, which is where the lyrics at the beginning are from.

**__**

* * *

_Beyond Words Part 1_

"_But I won't set my hopes too high  
_'_Cause every hello ends with a good-bye"_

He knocks on the door, rapping his knuckles against the harsh wood. Next to him, a blonde hugs her faux fur coat to her body, glancing up at the dark sky and watching the snow float gently down. The trees nearby look almost dead, with their bark such a twisted gray and no specks of green to redeem them. She exhales, her breath cutting sharply into the cold, moist air and making a smoke-like substance. Five seconds pass, ten, twenty, a minute, two. "She's not going to answer, Chad. Maybe she's not home?"

Chad shrugs, hands in the pockets of a leather jacket. "She hasn't answered anyone's phone calls. There's nothing to explain why she hasn't been at work for the past two days. Maybe she's out of town… but maybe not. Maybe she's just avoiding us. But why?" His brow furrows in anxiety and confusion.

"Well, if you think she might be home… I'm willing to do anything to get out of the cold. We can talk some sense into her if she's here. I mean, say we're sorry…" Her voice trails off as she kicks a stone off the walk. "For making fun of her, I guess? Maybe she wasn't in a mood for jokes."

"Yeah, we probably shouldn't have said what we did." He sighs, rubbing his temples. "But how are we supposed to get in?"

She lifts up something that glints like gold in the dull sparkle of the snow. "I have a key. She gave it to me back when we became friends, so that I could come and make sure no one's robbed her when she goes to Wisconsin for her visits. We could use it."

"Seems kind of shifty to enter. It's kind of like breaking in, Tawn," Chad mutters.

"Don't be such a baby," Tawni teases. "Is Chad Dylan Cooper afraid of taking a few risks?"

"I'm not afraid of anything!" he responds indignantly, not with his usual cocky air, but with more of a defensive one.

"Then come on, let's go." She inserts the key into the lock and twists it slowly. When she hears a click, she opens the door, and then gestures soundlessly for Chad to follow.

He shuts the door behind him and they begin to tip-toe through the empty house. "She _is _out of town," Tawni mutters to Chad, but then something catches her eye in the kitchen. She strides towards it, careful not to slip on the slick hardwood floor. "Look! The sink's on!" she exclaims loudly. Chad starts towards her but slips and lands on his back with a thud. He winces and sits up, rubbing his shoulder.

Tawni begins to giggle uncontrollably. "Smooth move, Cooper!" she manages between laughs. He half-smiles, half-grimaces, and gets to his feet with the help of the counters.

"Well, turn it off before the place floods!" Chad demands, trying to act like his tumble never happened. Tawni chuckles a little longer before turning the knob until the water stops.

"It doesn't seem like Sonny, to go off on vacation without telling anyone and with the water on," Chad observes quietly. Tawni tilts her head and considers it, then nods.

"I know what you mean. She doesn't seem like the irresponsible type, and definitely not the type who would ever risk losing her job. Maybe she's still mad and she's hiding from us, and she was… ah… washing her hands when she heard us," Tawni speculates.

"That must be it," Chad accepts without a second thought. "Come on." He leaves the kitchen and scans the living room, calling out, "Sonny!" occasionally.

Tawni joins in, hollering the brunette's name, feeling a little bit like she's searching for a dog.

"Let's split up. Look for locked doors," Chad suggests, and Tawni agrees. He speeds off to the basement, while she heads upstairs to look through the bedrooms.

There's nothing worth noticing in the guest bedroom, but when she enters Sonny's room, she sees a notebook lying closed on the desk. Loving gossip the way she does, she picks it up and takes it, holding it under her arm with a wide smile as she thinks about exposing Sonny's secrets… then she figures out it might not be such a great idea, seeing as this is her best friend she's talking about. Well, it would still be nice for her to know, so she takes it anyway.

The bathroom door is closed, and when she tries to open it, she finds that it's locked. "Sonny, I know you're in there!" Tawni shouts, proud that she was the one to find the girl. "Look, Chad and I are sorry, okay? We didn't mean that you're actually a bad actor… or that you're the ugliest person in Hollywood… we were just kidding. Please come out or I'll have to come in!"

When nothing happens, she sighs and heads to Sonny's room to rummage through the drawers. When she finds a safety pin, she grins and heads back over to the door. She rapidly unlocks it with the safety pin and swings it open. "Sonny, I'm he-" she starts to announce, then she gasps and covers her mouth. "CHAD!" she shouts, trying to keep her emotions from spilling all over the floor.

"You found her?" And Chad is sprinting up the stairs, and Tawni backs up and squeezes her eyes shut -

"No." She hears the tiniest slap of floor against jeans, and she opens her damp eyes to see Chad crouching beside Sonny, his hand on her heart, looking up at Tawni like a scared little kid. This wasn't what she expected. She expected a yell, and then for him to run away, like there was no… problem, but instead he's an inch away from crying too, and it seems like he doesn't know what to do.

"Someone killed her," he whispers, staring at the gun an inch away from the girl's bloody head. Her eyes are wide open, and when he brushes her cheek with his hand, he finds that it's still wet with her tears. She's sprawled out across the floor, with blood everywhere, and her pretty face marred by fear.

"Chad…" Tawni murmurs, remembering how the door had been locked and thinking about how there's no other exit. "I don't think she was murdered."

"Someone killed her!" he retorts, but she sees the sadness swimming in his ocean blue eyes, and the disbelief etched in the creases of his face. And then he cries, and she doesn't know what to do, so she just stands there beside him, frozen in sadness, while her best friend is frozen in death.


	2. Part 2

**Author's Note: **I know, I know. Out of all stories, she chooses to update _this _one? But I'm still having writer's block and at least with this one I'm not. So it's what you get. ;) You're lucky I was able to get out anything. Busy busy busy! Haha. I hope you like. This is pretty much filler. It's a four-shot now - it was originally a three-shot, but that would require having a reallllllllllly long middle chapter and two short ones surrounding it. Now that's just weird. So middle chapter has been divided in two. (Plus it's a strategy to get more reviews, but shh. I didn't say that. xD) Hope you likey this filler!

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Sonny With a Chance nor Tourniquet by Evanescance.

* * *

_**Beyond Words Part 2**_

"_Do you remember me  
__Lost for so long  
__Will you be on the other side  
__Or will you forget me"_

"So she… killed herself?"

Tawni nods, her face a smeared-mascara mess of despair. Beside her, Chad leans on the sarcophagus for support, eyes puffy and the disbelieving expression still on his face, glued there since yesterday. It's obvious he hasn't slept, showered, or eaten; his eyes are bloodshot, his hair is limp, and they can all hear his stomach growling, but he doesn't say a word. Like he's lost the will to do anything.

"But… why? And where were the signs? Aren't there supposed to be signs when a person wants to kill themselves?" Nico begs.

The guilt's already on Chad and Tawni's faces; nothing changes in their expressions, but they exchange a pained glance. "We insulted her the other day," Chad says hoarsely, but he doesn't even flinch as sad turns to angry and glares are cast in his direction. "Just meant it as a joke, you know? Sonny and I… always fought… but she kind of lost the energy this past month… she didn't fight back as much…" Upon this realization, he runs his hands through his hair. "Why didn't I see it?"

"Not your fault," Tawni mumbles. "She wasn't putting as much into her acting lately. We thought it was just pressure… but it's my fault. I should have seen that she smiled less and cried more."

The prop house feels black and white to Chad now, without Sonny to brighten up the colors. "I guess it's everyone's fault. But what could we have done?" he pleads, wishing someone would tell him that Sonny's suicide wasn't because of him. And that he could believe it.

"Everything," Zora sighs, and Chad's hope shatters around him.

"What are we supposed to do now?" breathes Tawni. The others look at her blankly. "I mean… everyone's going to read about this. It's not going to be all, 'Sonny was in unimaginable pain, she thought she had no more options.' It's going to be 'Sonny was an idiot, just another teen lost to the world of 'emo' and wrist-cutting.' How can we change that, so people remember her as a better person?"

"We could make an episode of _Mackenzie Falls _like this," Chad suggests.

"No, no… that's ridiculous. We don't want this tragedy turned into… _entertainment. _And besides, she wasn't on _Mackenzie Falls_. She was on _So Random!._" Tawni says. Then she gets an idea, and practically bounces. "We could do an episode in memory of Sonny! No sketches, no laughs -"

"Wait just a minute. Before all this happened, Sonny was a happy person who loved making people laugh. Wouldn't she want people to laugh in her memory? Have them laughing still even after she was gone?" Chad interjects.

"I guess you're right. We can show the very best sketches Sonny was in, and we can act out one or two of the sketches that she's written but we haven't performed yet. Then we can have someone sing a song in memory of her. And we can wrap up the show by talking about her life, as well as how much we miss her and how we hope that she's okay. It can be an hour long special, even, so more people will watch it." Tawni almost seems excited now, having the most feeling in her that she's had ever since the hour after she found Sonny. She felt numb for a while, but now she feels like she's shining. Then a thought occurs to her, and she retreats into hesitance. "Hey, uh… Chad? Do you want to be in this show?"

"Yeah. I need to." A corner of his mouth lifts up, and he's half-grinning. "The rest of _Mackenzie Falls _can be in it too. They were pretty shocked when they heard about Sonny's death." He chuckles dryly. "It was a surprise, but they actually cared… everyone except Marta, anyway. She didn't seem too fazed, just a little sad that someone at the studio had done something like this. It's something you think you're only ever going to read about and hear about…" Chad's eyes lower in depression. "It's something you never think is going to happen to someone you know."

"I know." Tawni shuts her eyes for a second, then looks up. "So yeah, okay, your cast can be guest stars. Chastity, Marta, or Portlyn can be Sonny in the sketches she wrote. And…" Tawni sort of smiles at Chad. "Uh, Sonny wrote a few with y… guest stars in mind. There's an extra guy part in most of them. You can be that guy."

"Okay." He seems reluctant to ask, but, abandoning caution, he puts in, "Hey, can I sing the song in memory of Sonny? I play guitar… I sing… and I write a few songs, too."

Tawni's surprised, but she nods anyway. "Sure. That would be great. Thanks, Chad."

"You're welcome… and thanks."

She smiles sadly at him as Nico, Grady, and Zora leave the room. "You're welcome… you really liked Sonny, didn't you?"

He looks at his shoes. "Yeah. I did."

Sympathetically, Tawni nods. "Well, I just thought you should know… she loved you too. She really did."

As she walks away, Chad can't decide if that makes him feel better or worse.


	3. Part 3

**Author's Note: **I was completely lucky I was able to get this one out to you. Free time! Yay! :D I'll try to get out the fourth and final part soon, but it might not be possible. Sorry. :/ Okay, unless you hate song lyrics with a passion, PLEASE read the song lyrics in this one. They aren't from a song. I wrote them just for this and it took like an hour. The song that Chad sings, anyway. :) I'd really like to know if it's any good, so please include that in your reviews!

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Sonny With a Chance or Remembering Sunday by All Time Low.

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_Beyond Words Part 3_

_"I'm over you now  
I'm at home in the clouds  
Towering over your head_

_-_

_Well I guess I'll go home now  
I guess I'll go home now  
I guess I'll go home now  
I guess I'll go home"_

His stomach clenches, and he grits his teeth to rid himself of the pain. Never before has show business felt so… threatening, intimidating. When he looks up at the glowing, too-bright lights, he doesn't feel a rush of adrenaline. A wave of nervousness envelopes him instead. He stares into the mirror to boost his confidence and ego, but this time it doesn't come. He's just staring into blank, dead eyes, on a blank, dead face. It's not working today. He's still handsome and good-looking (well, duh) but it just doesn't seem to matter as much anymore. No pep talks to his reflection, no flirting with hot extras only to break them down a second later. It's different now. He liked it better before.

"Two minutes till we air, Chad. This one's live," Tawni says, walking by where he sits and sending him a friendly grin. He's not sure what to feel anymore. That blonde chick, he used to hate her… now he would say she's his best friend. But he can't drum up too much feeling towards her, towards anything… he's perfectly unfeeling. Chad doesn't mind being unfeeling. It's better than sobbing his eyes out every time he thinks of Sonny, which would be pretty much every second of every day. So he inhales sharply and breathes it out, just trying to get by. It's all he does anymore.

"Five seconds!" hisses the stage director, and Chad scrambles to his feet and gets in line with the rest of So Random! and Mackenzie Falls. Their rivalry died off with the comedy show's ringleader. It's not two separate groups. It's one, united in their grief.

"Hey! Welcome to So Random!" Tawni yells into the microphone, cracking a smile at the audience, who, as if on cue, bursts into screaming applause. It dies down quicker than most nights, however, because the curtain closes and they realize that it has been redone as a painting of a smiling Sonny. "Tonight we're having a one hour special to honor the memory of our friend Alison Sonny Munroe. She committed suicide earlier this week and we all miss her to pieces. So to commemorate her, first we're going to show you some sketches that we're sure you're familiar with. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you _The Best of Sonny Munroe_!"

A white screen falls down over the picture of Sonny as the casts sprint off the stage and, like in a movie theater, the video appears on the screen. The title screen comes up first, and then it launches into the bee rap from her first show.

Chuckles reach Chad's ears occasionally, but he stands there motionless as the bee rap ends and turns into three consecutive sketches of the Check It Out Girls. Tawni comes over to him and squeezes his shoulder comfortingly. "We just have to get through this show," she says quietly. "Come on, you can do it. You have to. For Sonny."

He just nods and prepares himself to go out, ignoring her. She sighs and looks down at the ground. "Sonny, if you could see this," Tawni whispers to herself, "then you would never have done that. You're a selfless person. You would have stayed."

She so wishes that Sonny had seen how much everyone cared about her, but what's done is done. There's no going back, no matter how much she wishes she could change the events of five days ago.

_"You think you did good?" Tawni chuckles while Sonny shies backwards. "Please. You're the worst actor of our generation!" It's just teasing, because Tawni knows Sonny did fantastic in the sketch, and she thinks Sonny must know it too. "I mean, I bet I did a hundred times better than you. You should really get acting lessons." It's supposed to be sarcasm, but Sonny wheels around anyway and runs._

_Chad comes to the door then, blocking Sonny's exit. She chokes back a sob that Tawni can hear from the back of the room. "What do you want, Chad?" Sonny demands, and Tawni moves a little bit to hear their conversation better. She sees Sonny staring at Chad angrily, but beneath the first layer of anger is a hint of sadness, and hope._

"_Geez, what's got your ugly face in a twist?" Chad jokes, perhaps expecting her to retaliate, but there's a gasp and then Sonny sprints out of the room._

_They never saw her alive again._

It has her tearing up, thinking about her last words to Sonny. The stage director hobbles over to her. "Three minutes until the video's over," she says, and Tawni pulls herself together with a sniff and a solid "I'm pretty!"

As the final sketch ends about the Loser Force Five, everyone runs back on stage and gives the crowd big, fake smiles. A brunette named Chastity grabs the microphone. "Hey, everyone," she greets. "I'm Chastity Ann De Witt from _Mackenzie Falls. _The rest of my cast and I are guest starring on this episode because we really cared about Sonny. What you're going to see next is a sketch that Sonny wrote only six days before she died. It's called 'A Hilariously Bad Day' and it's about one of those days where everything goes wrong. This script involved a male guest star, so Chad's taking that part, and I'll be taking the main character, the one that rightfully belongs to Sonny."

The curtain opens and the casts run to their places. The spotlight shines on Chastity, who wanders through the halls looking nervous and uncertain. As she reaches a certain point by the lockers, Tawni, playing the clichéd popular girl, leers at her. "Hey, _new girl,_" she snarls. "Your hair is wayyyy too flat. And your shoes? SO last eight minutes!" The crowd roars with laughter, even if it isn't all that funny.

Nico and Grady are leaning up against other lockers with football uniforms on. "Oi, new girl!" calls Grady. Chastity rushes over to them, grinning anxiously.

"Yeah?" she asks.

"Just wanted to let you know to STAY AWAY from the football team. You're too ugly to date one of us," Nico tells her, causing her to bite her lip.

Tawni begins to get a sick feeling in her gut, thinking about this sketch in an entirely new way.

"Fine!" Chastity yells, and starts running down the hall crying. She stops at her locker and enters the combination. When she opens it, Zora pops out at her with a plate of spaghetti.

"SURPRISE!" yells the little girl as she flings noodles all over Chastity's head. Another roar is heard from the audience.

"Gosh, everyone at this school is so mean!" Chastity cries. She puts her head in her hands and sobs, but someone grabs onto her hands and causes her to look up.

"Not all of us are," Chad says gently, and leans in to kiss her, wishing that Chastity were Sonny. He then backs up, licks his lips, and says, "Mmm. Garlic."

The audience laughs good-naturedly and applauds for the end of the sketch. The casts come out and this time, the mike is handed to Nico.

"This is the part where it's not as funny, guys. Because this is what our show is going to be like now. Without Sonny. Because, on July 18th, 2009, our friend Alison Sonny Munroe committed suicide. Chad Dylan Cooper and Tawni Hart found her in her locked bathroom with a gun. What drove her to this? We don't know.

"What we do know is that Sonny's life was by no means easy. Her father is in jail for killing a woman. He's been in jail for thirteen years of Sonny's life. Her mother was an alcoholic up until two years ago, when she got help, but in the last few months she's had a relapse. We in no way want to embarrass her family by saying these things. We just want to illustrate how hard Sonny's family situation was. Now Grady wants to talk." Nico passes the microphone to Grady.

"And guys, we aren't going to take full responsibility for this. It's not our fault. But we didn't help Sonny when we could have. We noticed that her acting wasn't as passionate lately… we blamed it on pressure. We found an excuse for every little thing that came up. None of us wanted to believe that Sonny was suffering from depression.

"But she was, and while we had our suspicions, we didn't do a thing about it. That's something that will haunt me for the rest of my life. Here you go, Zora." Grady gives Zora the microphone.

"Hi, everyone. I'm Zora Lancaster and I'm eleven years old, and one of the people I cared about killed themselves. It's really hard on me, I guess; because I'm still a kid, I never expected any of this to happen. Suicide is in that foreign world of drugs and alcohol and everything that can destroy a teenager's life. I thought that we were safe from that here, on a show for all ages that contains immature jokes like a farting dog. But I guess we're not safe from that anywhere. So keep an eye on your friends and remember that just because something seems one way, it doesn't mean that it isn't entirely different. We all learned that lesson the hard way. You don't have to. Here you go, Tawn."

Tawni smiles a little at Zora before starting. "I'm Tawni Hart, supposedly Sonny's best friend. You want to know what my last words to her were?" Tawni asks, her voice quavering a little. "They were 'you should really get acting lessons.'" She lets the crowd gasp and talk among themselves for a minute, and then she continues. "I was teasing, I was joking. But that doesn't make even a little bit of a difference, does it?

"Maybe Sonny killed herself partly because of me. Maybe I had nothing to do with it. But the uncertainty about that is something that I'll always have to live with. Always. It will definitely be one of my deepest regrets when I die. Sonny Munroe was my best friend in the world. She understood me, she talked to me, she laughed with me. Even though I could be a real jerk, she saw through that and viewed me for who I really was. I'll never forget Sonny Munroe, my best friend, and the fact that I might as well have just taken a gun to her head." By this point, tears are streaming down Tawni's face. She sniffles, not even caring that her makeup is running down her face in front of a live audience, and wordlessly hands the microphone to Chad.

"I'm going to be speaking for all of _Mackenzie Falls_. Most of us didn't know Sonny all that well, and whenever we had an opportunity to get to know her, it was destroyed by our petty rivalry. We wish that we'd known her better and that something so tragic hadn't happened.

"Me, however, I knew Sonny. I knew her really well. We would always argue over pointless things, but we had our moments. I danced with her at the prom. I went up to Lookout Mountain with her - granted, it was because we had a… plot to carry out, but even so. She was in my movie as the girl I loved, and I guest-starred on her show. But like Tawni, my last words to her were hurtful ones. I called her ugly. I had had a bad day, and I was taking it out on her in a meaner way than usual, but that's no excuse at all. I blame myself for Sonny's suicide, and I'm pretty sure I always will.

"You see, I was in love with Sonny Munroe. I still love her, and I miss her with all my heart. But to know that I'm part of the reason that such a bright ray of sunshine is gone from the world? It's destroying me, eating me away. It's hard to act, it's hard to talk, it's hard to breathe. I've been shattered completely and I don't know what to do anymore." His voice is hopeless and a tear rolls down his cheek. The audience sits in stunned silence. They've never seen him cry before, not even on _Mackenzie Falls_, because he demanded that they never make him seem weak. But now all of that is thrown away, because he's crying on television and it doesn't even matter to him anymore.

"I wrote a song today, just for this show, and I'm honestly not sure if there's a heaven. I've never been the completely religious type. But I really hope that there is, and I really hope that Sonny's looking down on us right now. I want her to hear this." With that he retreats backstage with the others, but reemerges on his own with a guitar in his hand. Chad pushes himself up on the stool. "It's called 'For Sonny'." He looks down at the acoustic, strums a few notes, and starts to sing.

"_And I never knew what I was about to see  
__And I never knew just how it would affect me  
__But here I am on my own  
__Standing here I'm all alone  
_'_Cause without you I don't know where to turn_

_Everything's flying over my head  
__Nothing matters anymore, it feels like I am dead  
__They're all looking in my eyes  
__They're waitin' to hear me cry  
__But I swear I don't need their twisted concern_

'_Cause comfort doesn't help me  
__And I'm staring at the clouds  
__Looking at their patterns  
__Wond'rin how you're doing now  
__And everything is changing  
__Faster than the wind  
__But forgetting that I love you  
__Would only be a sin  
__Would only be a sin_

_I never knew just what I had until it was all gone  
__I should have said the things that had been on my mind so long  
__But now you'll never know  
__That I watched your every show  
__Just to see your smile and hear your laughter every single night_

_They all say that there's a reason for every little thing  
__But I wonder what this tragedy could ever hope to bring  
__Taking you away from me  
__Making me fall to my knees  
__The sunshine was forever stolen from my life_

_Comfort doesn't help me  
__And I'm staring at the clouds  
__Looking at their patterns  
__Wond'rin how you're doing now  
__And everything is changing  
__Faster than the wind  
__But forgetting that I love you  
__Would only be a sin_

_I'll hold on to your memory  
__For as long as I can breathe  
__I still just can't believe that you're gone_

_Comfort doesn't help me  
__I'm staring at the sky  
__Wondering how far up there  
__I would need to climb  
__To be with you forever  
__Up there among the stars  
__Because I really love you  
__Even though you broke my heart_

_I still really love you  
__Even though you broke my heart"_

He's sobbing as he finishes, the last chords broken by the sound of heartbreak, and he looks up at the crowd. Thunderous applause fills the studio, but it hardly registers in his ears. He backs up as everyone comes back out from under the curtains, staring at Chad in awe.

"Thanks for watching, guys," Tawni murmurs into the microphone. "It means a lot to us. And this wraps up this week's episode of So Random!, the one in memory of Sonny. Thanks again, and that's our show."

More applause comes, but the casts have already ducked under the curtain and are walking out. Chad's hugging himself, still crying a little bit. His head's down low and looking at the ground, his guitar still in one arm.

Tawni strides over to him and puts her hand on his shoulder, holding back the tears for a second. "Chad, that was beautiful," she whispers. He smiles a little bit at her.

"Thanks."

"Oh, and Chad? There's something I think you need to see…" She sprints out of the room for a second, leaving a curious Chad standing there, and returns with a slightly battered notebook. "It was Sonny's. There's something for you in there. Take it home and read it, okay?"

"Okay." He nods, gripping onto the notebook like he's drowning and it's a floatation device. Then he walks out of there, out of the studio, and sits on the steps just staring at the night sky.


	4. Part 4

**Author's Note: **Welcome to the final installment of Beyond Words. Been a while, sorry. I'm really busy. So, I hope you cry! ^^ Short author's note so we can jump right into the story.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Sonny With a Chance or No Surprise by Daughtry. (Though I do own their new album! And All Time Low's! :D)

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_Beyond Words Part 4_

"_It's no surprise I won't be here tomorrow  
I can't believe that I stayed till today  
There's nothing here in this heart left to borrow  
There's nothing here in this soul left to say  
Don't be surprised when we hate this tomorrow  
God knows we tried to find an easier way  
Yeah you and I will be a tough act to follow  
But I know in time we'll find this was no surprise"_

Dear Chad,

This is a hard letter to write for me, and maybe it's hard for you to read, but I had to write it. There was no way I was going without saying exactly what was on my mind. God knows I've held it in long enough, everyday of my life, and maybe if I'd owned up to my thoughts sooner then we wouldn't be in this predicament today. But we are, and for me, there's no getting out.

You probably know this already, and if you do, you can skip this paragraph. But in case you don't… I'm dead. You can find my body in the bathroom, but the door is locked. I didn't want anyone to ruin the whole thing. Don't bother trying to save me, Chad. It's too late. And this isn't _Mackenzie Falls_. You aren't the hero here. If you were then maybe this wouldn't have happened.

Okay, there are a lot of ways this wouldn't have happened. But I'm not going to wait around the rest of my life for something to change, to feel better someday. Because you know what? I don't think I'm ever going to.

I probably sound like the classic suicide victim, writing a note as tears (both angry and sad) stream down my face, talking about how my life is a hell and everyone hates me. Well, it's true; it _is _a hell. You'll never know how much. I hope. I know that not everyone hates me, but it's not enough to make me live for the few people who care. _You_ don't.

You'll put up a façade, crying for the camera, acting just like you did so long ago when you made me look like a horrible person in front of millions of _Tween Weekly _viewers. But in reality, you're probably glad that I'm gone. You probably don't want to deal with me and my 'ugly face' anymore. I won't get in the way. We won't argue…

Okay, listen up here, because I think most of my anger's gone. It took me a few minutes, but I really wanted to write this letter, the one that I meant to, not an angry, accusatory, blame-it-all-on-Chad note. You don't know what it's like, living a few more minutes of this, knowing that it hurts so much, knowing that the pain will be gone soon. You're the only one I'd do it for. Honestly.

When I came here, to Hollywood, I really didn't expect this to happen. At all. Back then my life felt perfect. I was going to be on TV! But maybe, if I hadn't been on TV, I would never have killed myself. Like I said. There are a lot of variables here. The stardom was a part, but not the main reason I'm dead. Not at all. I mean, sure, I hated it after a while. I hate standing in front of all the crowds at movie premieres, my outfit being scrutinized, my figure, my makeup, all while I put on a fake smile and pretend like I'm loving the attention. Everything goes wrong, and bad things happen, and gossip is passed around like food at a homeless shelter. Like when the rumors started that I was cutting, just because I tripped and fell on some glass on the sidewalk. After reading the articles… that was the first time I cut.

It wasn't an addiction to me. Somewhere deep inside me I knew that what I was doing was stupid and wrong. I didn't cut much. Only when it felt like there was no other way to get rid of all the pain inside me, and even then, as my blood stained the cold bathroom floor, I could feel that it didn't work. It only made me feel worse.

I tried other things, too. I would burn my shoulders with matches. I would smash a glass just to walk across its fragments barefoot. I even tried sticking my hand into boiling water. Everything just made me hurt both on the inside and the out. I never really understood why other people felt it was a release, but I did think that maybe something was wrong with me.

You remember the articles. It's been a year, around there. A year of me self-harming, but it never even worked to make me feel better. I don't know why I kept it up.

I tried marijuana once. That's hard for me to say, anywhere. No one knows about it, no one ever will know but you, I hope. Please don't tell because I honestly am ashamed. I was in D.A.R.E. as a kid. I promised my mother and myself I'd never even try drugs, smoking, or alcohol, ever. But I just choked on the marijuana. It didn't make me feel better.

Once, and this is another something I'm ashamed of, I stole a wine from the fridge. Mom was drunk and didn't notice. I guzzled it all and walked around in a haze, not really feeling better. I puked and woke up in it, feeling worse than I ever had. Again I was sure I wasn't normal. Cutting, drugs, alcohol… nothing ever helped me. It only made me hurt more, it only took my wounds to the outside.

I don't know why it hurts so much inside me. It just does. I've never had a Dad… I was really little when he was arrested. My daddy killed someone, and I never had him around. And my mom… when I was younger, she drank all the time. She would throw me against the wall and kick me hard, but not hard enough to break anything. I would wake up with bruises again and again. Finally, finally, she got help. I never mentioned to anyone what she did while she was drunk - it didn't matter anymore, because she was always sober, and I didn't want her locked up like Daddy was.

We were a good family, me and her, for the longest time. Then, six months ago, she started drinking again. Again I was thrown into walls, and once my mother tried to suffocate me; she held a pillow over my face as I tried to fight her off. I would have been dead then, because I was too weak and stupid to get her off me, but then she passed out from all the alcohol and I was able to breathe again.

That's why my mom never did a thing about my self-harming. She assumed she had done it to me.

I moved out after a while. I couldn't take it anymore. But Mom came to visit, and she'd bring the wine, and then we'd be back where we started, with bruises all over me.

I starved myself for about two weeks, just last month. My cast mates noticed, I think. I'm good at excuses though. After those two weeks were up, I was twenty pounds lighter. I didn't feel fat at all and I was still miserable. My figure was like a model, but whenever I looked into my face, my dead eyes…

Self-hatred.

So I pigged out for a week, eating almost every second of the day. Those twenty pounds came right back and I was left feeling sick. Eating didn't help. Starving didn't help. Nothing helped.

So, the end of last month, for the first time, I considered just ending it. Ending my life. Nothing else was working. But there was one reason I was still clinging on.

You.

I've always been a hopeless romantic, and you were my knight in shining armor. I fell for you, Chad, and I bet you're laughing and feeling completely cocky as you're reading this, but it's the truth. I wish it weren't. But the hope that you liked me back kept me going - being in love for the first time, having the person love me back… that would be a cure. The pain would be gone, it would have to be. And I never really wanted to end my life… I was always looking for the alternatives.

So I fought with you and loved it. I exchanged glances with you and I cherished them. I was the one you talked to, and it made me feel special, and hope kept me going through the pain. I hurt so much, but you were there, and the possibility of something making my pain go away made me happier than I'd been since those articles came out.

Sometimes I thought you loved me too. And when Tawni told me I sucked at acting, well… that was the day I was going to tell you and see how it went. My mind kept going back to that gun on the counter at home, and I thought that if it went really badly, I could just end it. But I was almost convinced it wouldn't.

Then Tawni insulted me, and I cried, my emotions were so high. I couldn't help it. And then you came in and maybe you were going to comfort me and hug me…

You told me I was ugly.

The only hope I had was shattered; the only reason I had to live was gone. My world burned around me, and I sprinted home. I cried for a day. I fell asleep, not realizing the time, and when I woke up, I cried more. I hurt so much…

I'm almost done with this letter. I just wanted you to know I love you, and you were the reason I stayed for so long… you were always the reason.

And when there's no more reason, then there's no more will, and finally, there's no more way.

Thanks for reading, Chad. I just want someone to know why this happened, and that there was absolutely no way anyone could stop it.

Not even you, because I know you can't choose who you love.

I've never been good at good-byes.

So… bye.

A lifetime's worth of love,

_Sonny_


	5. Part 5

**Author's Note: **Yes, the end of this chapter has no closure. I'm gonna drag it out one more :P This is for all the people who said that there should be an epilogue, inspiring an idea for two more chapters. I hope you like it, even if it made me depressed writing it.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Sonny With a Chance, or Emergency by Paramore.

_****_

* * *

Beyond Words Part 5

"_Cause I've seen love die  
Way too many times  
When it deserved to be alive (deserved to be alive)  
I've seen you cry  
Way too many times  
When you deserved to be alive (alive)  
So you give up every chance you get  
Just to feel new again"_

Chad walks into the studio in a daze; his golden hair is disheveled, his trademark suit is missing a tie and wrinkled all over, his eyes are bloodshot. A sigh passes through his slightly open lips as he strides forward quickly, hardly even thinking.

His mind is fixated on one thing only - the notebook. Flipping through it, he'd found happy drawings, blissful song lyrics… and then later on, the drawings got darker. The song lyrics were about sadness and even suicide.

Then he'd found the note.

Words can't describe what he felt, what he feels.

He shoves his way past extras and cast mates. They shoot dirty looks at him, but he never even notices. It's like he's blind to the world.

He's not even sure where he's headed, to be honest. Passing the Mackenzie Falls set, passing the stage for _So Random!_ and their brand new poster - the one without her, the one where the cast's smiles don't quite reach their eyes - he keeps walking.

He passes Josh, who gives him a friendly wave that he doesn't pick up. He passes Tawni and So - Tawni's dressing room. He passes Nico and Grady, who aren't even pigging out for once in their lives.

But when he passes the blonde comedian, she grabs his arm and forces him to stop. He twists around and glares at her, but she doesn't even blink. Just stares at him with endless pity. The sudden rush of anger is the first thing he's felt since reading the letter.

"Hey," Tawni greets gently.

"Hey," he responds, just letting her hang on to his arm with her broken, bitten nails.

"You saw the note?"

"Kind of hard not to."

"Chad…" she whispers, closing her eyes, and she's on the verge of crying. He doesn't want to see her cry. "I just wanted you to see that because it seemed like Sonny's dying wish. And I wanted you to see that she loved you, too."

"And if I had only told her that I did then she'd be here today," he mutters, almost unintelligibly, but Tawni's ears pick up on it. Her eyes narrow.

"You shouldn't blame yourself. You can't blame yourself! It's not your fault…" she tries, gripping onto his arm tighter, sensing he's about to run away.

"Leave me alone!" he shouts, tearing his arm away so rapidly that a ripping sound echoes through the air, and Tawni's left holding the sleeve to Chad's suit.

Her eyes widen and her face flushes in rage. "What the _hell _are those?" she cries, tears dripping from her eyes as she seethes at him. He backs away slowly, holding his arm to his chest, covering the numerous blood-red lines.

"Sonny's right; it doesn't work," he murmurs quietly, staring at the floor. Tawni grabs for his arm again, forcing him to look up at her angry expression, her clenched teeth.

"Chad, you can't do this! We can't lose _you_, too!" she pleads, unable to keep her eyes from the scars, so many scars, too many scars. She can just picture him, dragging a knife across his arm, mindlessly watching the blood fall and, when it doesn't change a thing, doing it again. She feels like she's about to be sick.

"Like you'd care," he hisses and again pulls away from her. He sprints down the hallway and Tawni's left to stare after him in shock, then collapse on the floor and sob.

*

It's an hour later that Nico and Grady find her, after heading off to pitch ideas for Marshall and realizing that only Zora and them were there. They find her rocking back and forth on the floor, occasionally saying "He's dead, he's dead" through her tears.

Nico hauls her to her feet, and she stares at him with big, worried, destroyed blue eyes. He looks at her carefully, then asks, "What happened?"

"Chad…" she starts. Then she hiccups and starts sobbing again. Nico rubs her back anxiously, staring over her drooping head at Grady, his face a question. The other actor shrugs.

"What about Chad?" Nico coaxes, and Tawni looks up at him again.

"He… cuts, he cut himself, and…" she trails off and sinks to the floor again, but Nico catches her just before her head hits it.

"Tawni? Can you walk?" he asks, and she nods and gets to her feet. She wobbles a little and nods again.

"Okay, well. We need to find Chad," Nico orders. Grady agrees solemnly, and Tawni sighs. Together, the three of them race down the hall, shouting Chad's name over and over, wanting, needing, to find Chad.

*

Chad does not want or need to be found.

He's in the mailroom, while Josh is out delivering, and he's completely numb. He's not even sure what to do anymore. Looking to the future, he honestly can't see how it matters that he's got friends (they're only acquaintances, they don't matter, they don't care) or that he's on a hit television show (he has to act everyday, and he hates it, so acting isn't his pastime anymore) or that there are tons of opportunities open to him (fame and fortune don't make happiness, only make the world your diary as you write all over it and your secrets are exposed).

(He killed her, he killed her, he killed her.)

He can't feel any worse than he does (and he doesn't deserve to feel any better). Everything is a throbbing ache (which probably doesn't hurt as much as a bullet to the head would, which happened to her, because he made her do it).

(He killed her, he killed her, he killed her.)

He grabs the metal letter opener (he's stupid, he's an idiot, he deserves to die, she didn't, he killed her) and drags it slowly across his wrist (he's stupid, he's an idiot, he deserves to die, she didn't, he killed her), staring at the red beads that stain the letter below him (he's stupid, he's an idiot, he deserves to die, she didn't, he killed her). Happening to glance down at the now-scarlet letter below him, he notices the ink buried beneath all the blood (his blood, his pain, his pain, it's not enough).

_To Sonny_.

He opens it up with shaking hands and reads.

_Dear Sonny,_

_You're my favorite actor on all of _So Random!_ You're super funny, beautiful, inspiring, great…_

He can't bring himself to read any more. He took that funny, beautiful, inspiring, great girl away from the world. She's gone. His fault.

(He killed her, he killed her, he killed her, he killed her…)

He pulls the letter opener up his arm, feeling the searing pain (he killed her, she was in pain, he's not in enough pain, he needs to be in more pain, he killed her, he's an idiot, he killed her) but it doesn't really matter. It doesn't even hurt all that much.

What he'd give to just _feel_…

(He doesn't deserve to feel.)

The door opens, and the blonde screams.

(Why is it always her, the one that he can see Sonny behind, if he squints real hard and pretends that the past few days never happened?)

"Nico! Grady!" she yells, and then she rushes over to him, grabbing onto his non-cut arm (he should really have cut that one too, felt more pain, he deserves it, he killed her) and begging, "Please Chad, don't, stay with us, there's help coming…"

(Why is she talking to him like he's dying, he deserves that but he's not…)

Then he looks down and his shirt is torn on his chest, and there's more blood than what he had seen when he looked last (good, he deserves to bleed that much, he deserves to bleed so much more than that).

Then there are black dots all over his eyes, blurring his vision, and the pleading girl in front of him disappears completely.


End file.
